I thought detaching myself would make me numb to numbness.
Was I mistaken. It's made realize even more how pathetic I am thinking I'm some carefree happy rock! haha
Emotions, thoughts, to-dos, obligations- all in flurry. Like some headless chicken running around without a single coherent thought.
I yearn for some sort of divine intervention. Or some moment of truth. Like the ones in the movies.
Heck, movies have endings, life's "trivialities" don't. Movies always see to it that there's a point in the whole unfolding of events. In my reality, some things are so utterly pointless. But the outside reality a.k.a "Society" dictates we should make something out of it. In movies, generally, the good guy gets the girl or vice versa. In our life's drama, there isn't the stereotypical "good guy" or "good girl", they become who we perceive them to be.
Truth, as I've learned, is just it. Whatever It is.
Right now. My truth is failure.
The truth that failure is not good or bad. It's a relative of our friend Truth here because it, too, just is.
Why put color to it?
As hard and possibly excruciating as it is, I think I've swallowed my fair share of bitter pills and maybe even more, to the point of overdose.
And living with failure and trying to look it in the eye, daunting as it is, is a new breed of courage. Not the kind you find in battlefields, or Fear Factor, or even the kind you feel when you're a gazillion feet above the ground looking down. I think it's the kind of courage that doesn't come from that adrenaline rush or the moment, it's the courage that takes time, some coaxing, maybe. The courage that you have to summon from within, not knowing exactly from where. Courage that takes time and convincing and healing.
Even though when we think there's nothing to heal.
Sometimes, we think we're bold, unfazed, and unaffected.
But we end up foolhardy and sorry with our false bravado ever so apparent.
We're reckless with our thoughts and with our hearts, as if infinite and supreme.
But to our disappointment, we bleed.
Perhaps because we perceive ourselves to be so boundless that we end up ultimately hurting ourselves.
We refuse to think logically when our emotions are fired up.
We refuse to be feel when our thoughts are too condescending.
Heroics of the heart and mind. Vying for a spot in history. It's always an epic battle, one never won.
My failure has stopped me mid-air and just blew me away. Whirlwind!
I'm not ending this with an optimistic note.
I'm just beginning.
Beginning to understand how I can fall so hard, yet recover so quickly only to realize later that I've sustained some really dark bruises and trauma.
I just can't shut it out.
Because I have to deal with it.
No quick-fixes.
No band-aid cover-ups.
Really, there's no rush to gain clarity.
No better way to understand the mechanics but to take your time learning the rules and when to break them.
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"Being miserable is easy. Being happy is tougher and cooler."
Thom Yorke (Radiohead)
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